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Aiden announce UK tour

29 Jul

Kerrang! - Feed

Seattle goth-punks to return to the UK in December.

Read more over at www.kerrang.com
Best Coast - Crazy For You

29 Jul

Drowned In Sound

There’s a great scene in Twilight: New Moon where Bella sits by her window waiting for her drippy goth-vampire boyfriend Edward. She sits in her chair and waits. Months go by, and the camera slowly pans around her, not moving. Elsewhere in the movie she awakes screaming, so tortured is she to be apart from her beloved. It didn’t take me long to picture Crazy For You - the debut album by west-coaster Bethany Cosentino, formerly of Pocahaunted, now of Best Coast – as a kind of alternative, reverb-drenched soundtrack to the perpetually chaste Twilight series. The sheer quantity of longing on this album positively soaks the speakers, almost every track a paean to forbidden and lost love.
“I wish he was my boyfriend” Cosentino sings on ‘Boyfriend’; this sets the tone – later we hear how “I can’t do anything without you”, “I want you so much”, “I always miss you”. That’s not to say that there isn’t much to commend Crazy For You. The tracks are all snappy slices of girl-group garage pop, admirably well constructed (only one breaks the dreaded three minute mark) and with plenty of sunny doo-wop delay vocals. Yet if there’s to be life beyond one record, Best Coast will have to find something more substantial to go with their well-worked three-chord formula.
Indeed, Cosentino’s perpetually lovelorn persona is so one-dimensionally persistent it makes Bella look like Anna Karenina. As refreshing as it is to hear an indie-rock record fronted by a strong female voice, it’s equally frustrating to find that voice with little to say: the album’s strongest track, ‘When The Sun Don’t Shine’, adds the kind of fuzz and lilting riff needed to lift the music away from the vocals. Of course there’s still time for Cosentino to develop as a songwriter, as well as to remember that Fifties and Sixties girl-pop often had more to say than just ‘I need a boyfriend’ (whether addressing impotence or domestic abuse), often toying with a darker side (as any fan of Mulholland Drive can testify) that Cosentino chooses to gloss over. To paraphrase the title of one of her tracks she’s more “brat” than lovable mope. Her Best Coast is enjoyably light and breezy, but whether you want to share the vista with a brat is another matter.

Read more over at www.drownedinsound.com
Bethany Black: Life as a transsexual comedian

28 Jul

Guardian.co.uk - stage
Bethany Black is a stand-up comedian. She also happens to be a post-operative transsexual lesbian - but don't dare try to pigeonhole her

A transgender journey: 'Passing' as a woman
It's difficult to know how to sum myself up. I'm tempted to go the Goodfellas route: as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a lesbian.
I'm often billed these days as "Britain's only goth, lesbian, transsexual stand-up comedian". I'm also a vegan and recovering drug addict and alcoholic, but by this point you might as well just call me Beth because pigeonholes become redundant.
It's the lesbian and transsexual bit that confuses people. They stare and think that a) I don't look like any of the ones they've seen on Jerry Springer, and b) what's the point of being both? They don't understand that sexuality and gender identity isn't the same thing: gay men don't want to be women, and lesbians don't want to be men.
Being trans is like being gay, and as Sarah Silverman says of being a comedian: "You're just born that way and it's beyond your control." Sexuality exists on a spectrum, as does gender identity - mine just both point away from what you'd expect based on biology at birth.
When I started doing stand-up I was most of the way through my transition, living "full-time", as they say, but pre-surgery. It was 2004 and Peter Kay was popular, and as much as I was a fan at the time I knew my observations wouldn't work like his did: "I tell you what you don't see anymore ... urinals! Oh, just me on that one ..."
For the first three years I didn't mention being trans at all on stage. I was scared to, and as I "pass" very well it wasn't necessary to mention it. For the first six months I was terrified to mention that I was a lesbian, but through repetition it becomes easier and less scary because you know what the reaction will be.
Other comics knew I was trans and it led to some in-jokes off stage. I was so comfortable with it that it wasn't an issue, so it was inevitable that I should talk about it in my act eventually. But it's a difficult subject to broach the subject on stage, because it needs time to explain.
British comedy audiences start from a position of: "Go on then, make me laugh!" First you have to prove that you're funny, and only once they trust you can you get away with talking about things that are outside their comfort zone. Also, people don't like to be confused, and the fact that I'm pretty, a lesbian, and on top of that transsexual, is pretty confusing to your average stag party on a Saturday night.
People don't tend to heckle with transphobic comments. I've had a few, but they were borne out of homophobia rather than transphobia. Occasionally an audience member will shout, "Are you a man or a woman?", to which I reply: "Your chat-up technique could do with a little work."
As a kid I was very bookish and geeky, and really into comedy and science. I sat in my room obsessing about things to escape the dawning realisation that I was transsexual, which was described in the dictionary we had at home as "someone biologically of one sex with an abnormally strong desire to be of the other sex."
I've never been sure what an "abnormally strong desire" is. I mean, it wasn't abnormal to me - there was very little ab and a whole lot of normal, and if you're basing it on the consensus then surely the word abnormal is redundant?
But "abnormal" I was to society, so I went from a smiling, happy little blonde kid to a dark black thundercloud of a human. I was on a downward spiral of depression and self-loathing as the gap between my self-image and outward appearance grew day by day.
Fortunately, I'm terrible at suicide. I attempted it a couple of times and spectacularly failed: I tried to hang myself and dragged down a ceiling, losing my deposit on the flat; I tried to gas myself in the car and ran out of petrol. Suicide, it seems, is not the easy way out, nor is it painless.
Upon reaching rock bottom I decided to get help, and I've never looked back. I'll never forget my mum's response when I told her I was transitioning. She stared at me for a couple of seconds, and then said: "But we've just had a conservatory built!"
My family was on the whole totally supportive, and some of my friends said: "That makes sense". I never had to use all the counter-argument and righteous fury I'd built up to deal with the inevitable intolerance. I felt like a 17-year-old with parents who do understand what they're going through. Still, every time I left the house I was sure that someone would find out my secret and throw rocks at me. No one did.
After I transitioned my life just got better and better. Mostly people don't care about me being trans, and coming to terms with the fact that those who do are the ones with the problem was a big moment for me. These days it affects my life so little, it's strange to think why it was such a big deal, why I let the depression get so bad.
It doesn't affect my comedy much now. I talk about it, but it's not all there is to me. I just get on with my life. Sometimes people can't understand that: they want there to be more tragedy; they want me to have suffered, so they can raise me up as a beacon of hope and show how brave I am.
I'm not brave; I just did what anyone else would do in the same situation. Reduced to its least sensational terms, I was born with a congenital birth defect and a hormone imbalance which I've had treated with surgery and hormone replacement.
The comedy that I do is based on honesty and telling true stories, and my hope is that in the telling it makes it easier for those who follow. And to be fair to my mother, it was a fabulous conservatory.
- Transgender
- Comedy
guardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
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6 Russian Satanists slaughter and eat 4 teen Goths

28 Jul

Side-Line

After a Russian Cannibal goth duo which killed and served meat of 16 year old girl with potatoes, it's now six members of a Russian satanic cult who have been jailed for up to 20 years by a court in...

Read more over at www.side-line.com
Saturday 24/07/10 1234 Festival @ Shoreditch Park, London

26 Jul

Live Reviews - GIGWISE.com

Even though Shoreditch’s very own 1234 festival is notorious for people caring more about their chic shoes than their tunes, this year’s line-up of Dum Dum Girls, Rolo Tomassi and These New Puritans was too temptingly good to avoid. Arriving at Shoreditch Park to find the guestlist queue longer than the pay-ticket queue, nightmares of a scenester filled fashion show-off seemed to become true already.

Trailer Trash Tracys entered the main stage around 2 p.m. and this afternoon show was so mind-numbingly boring, it made watching the crowd way more entertaining. With their uhh-ing and ahh-ing they might catch the attention of some O.A.P.s living in the council estate overseeing the park, but in terms of filling the main stage with presence, they failed miserably.

After this first musical disappointment of the day, we moved on swiftly to catch Spectrals in the Rough Trade tent, who presented a charmingly old-skool racket of nerd-pop mixing the harmonies of dated girl group classics with a sense of intriguing Pavement-like story-telling. Fusing the woozy warmth of Weezer (apologies for the overt use of alliteration here) and the brainy under-styled, under-produced and cassette-recorded bedroom pop of any 18-year-old geek in Hackney, fortunately Spectrals was a right spectacle to watch.

Next on the main stage were goth poppers S.C.U.M., and despite all of them basically being teenage school-kids, they look like they could have stepped out of a Herzog movie. Pre-war chic twinned with post-rock melancholia equals a not very believable nor enjoyable rendition of Nick Cave like pompous pop.

On after S.C.U.M. were the more talented and more accessible Dum Dum Girls, who, despite being plagued with a terribly bad sound-system on the main stage, managed to pull off a good show. Their girl group multi-tonal singing was riddled with unwanted screechy feedback, which sadly ruined main parts of the set. Favourites such as ‘Jail La La’ came to life through the unusual mix of ethereal dreamy girl rock and effortlessly cool anti-pop. As a self-confessed “choir nerd”, singer Dee Dee knows how entice the crowd with harmonies so breezy they could actually make you forget the unbearable heat in front of the main stage. Describing their own sound as “Blissed Out Buzzsaw”, this L.A. four-piece know their strengths. With an enigmatic lead-singer, who is in equal parts Karen O and Karen Carpenter and a band that plays so tightly, it feels like they have being going at it for years, Dum Dum Girls show us how melodious fuzz is done properly.

After hot girl drone rock, old man Peter Hook set off to perform Joy Division’s seminal 1979 debut album ‘Unknown Pleasures’ live. In the words of one famous 1234 attendee: “Ian Curtis is already dead. Why kill him any more?” And yes, it was that bad.

Wavves saved the day with their lo-fi yet high-powered charming geek pop. Wavves, a.k.a. 22 year old Nathan Williams, has found his little musical niche somewhere between blissed-out sunburnt West Coast slacker surf rock and alluringly nerd-tastic loopy skate noise-pop. So many genres, so few names. However, all you need to know is that Wavves are great.

Totally in tune with the DIY ethics of Wavves, we headed over to watch house-party-take-over veterans Rolo Tomassi who played in the tiny Artrocker tent. Despite the fact that the tent was bursting at every corner, Rolo Tomassi absolutely commanded the crowd with their untouchable blend of teen hyper-happy-hardcore.

Most enjoyable part of the festival certainly was A1 Bassline and Shunda K of Yo Majesty! fame rocking the Dollop dance tent. Finally in here people forgot to stare at their shoes and started rocking out. And I like nothing more than a proper day-time rave.

The big highlight of the festival was supposed to be These New Puritans headlining the Rough Trade stage, which never materialised due to a broken sound-system.

All in all, fuzz was the word of the day. Dum Dum Girls were great. Their sound sadly wasn’t, and it was a real shame that These New Puritans didn’t even get the chance to perform properly, because most people were there only for them.

Read more over at www.gigwise.com
Clash Of The Titans (2010)

26 Jul

Total Film - Reviews

Remember Bubo, the crap clockwork owl from the otherwise fondly remembered 1981 gods’n’monster-mash Clash Of The Titans? Louis Leterrier does, and is quick to distance his remake with a (literal) put-down of the golden bird. Admirable statement of intent – or would be, if this was halfway decent.
The fundamental problem is that this should be so easy. The story is already the stuff of legend: all that’s needed is the bells and whistles of FX and the appropriate dose of derring-do. Instead, Leterrier strips away all but the barest of mythical context to leave the thing lurching from world to underworld like a Grecian platform game.
What’s particularly galling is that Letterier – whose Transporter movies had the cheek this needs – has checked in his exuberance at the foot of Mount Olympus. As a wooden Worthington glowers and grunts through sub-300 swordfights, the scant entertainment comes from seeing preening Goth Ralph Fiennes and bearded Lothario Liam Neeson camp it up as rivals Hades and Zeus.
And, of course, there’s no Ray Harryhausen. In cinemas, the FX’s shortcomings were sheltered by the Stygian gloom of the slapdash 3D. Two dimensions are less forgiving. The Medusa’s whiplash movement lacks the stealthy menace of Harryhausen’s iconic version, while the Kraken is a generic, boring beastie with none of the plasticine personality. Biggest shame: no hydra-headed dogs, leaving a blockbuster remake that offers less action than its source. Titans will clash? If only.

Read more over at www.totalfilm.com
Darker My Love: Alive As You Are | CD review

25 Jul

www.guardian.co.uk
(Dangerbird)
If the band name raises eyebrows, it's worth knowing that Darker My Love's Tim Presley named his group after a song by 80s US goth-punks TSOL a lifetime ago. You'd be hard pressed to hear the influence here, however. DML's extremely pleasant third album is an unexpected curio – a psychedelic record with great affection for the Byrds and the Beatles, but played with the discipline and pithiness of former punks. Songs such as "18th Street Shuffle" evince a little glam too, making for a beguiling period piece that never fully commits to wearing paisley.
Kitty Empire

guardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
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Booze Reviews: THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (First Sequence)

24 Jul

Icons of Fright

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (First Sequence)

Release Date: April 28^th, 2010

Director: Tom Six

Writer: Tom Six

Cast: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura, Andreas Leupold, and Peter Blankenstein

Icons of Fright has given Aaron Pruner and Jack Conway a very dangerous assignment: to review the infamous film “THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE”. As a dedicated team of journalists, our intrepid heroes chose the only logical solution to tackling the job – getting ridiculously drunk. These are the transcripts from their recorded 2 hour ordeal. Reader Discretion is advised.

Jack – Okay, I’ve now had enough 100 proof rum to dive into this bastard. Aaron, you appear to be drinking something from a cursed silver chalice.

Aaron– It’s whiskey. The decanter makes it classy.

Jack – Oh good, I’m glad you brought your A-game. The Centipede will accept no less.

Aaron – Okay, I’m starting it. Set sail for ass jokes!

Jack – This is going to go badly.

Aaron – His name is Dieter Laser!
Jack – Dieter Laser: The best actor name in…EVER!

Aaron – DIETER LASER?! Because Udo Kier wasn’t available?

Jack -That is correct. Because Udo Kier is a pussy when compared to anyone named Dieter Laser.

Aaron – Damn. Dieter Laser. Now what will my German porn name be?

Jack –Okay, so that’s….Laser….Monkey Fight….Tank. What’s his name again? I forgot it already. This rum is awesome.

Aaron – Dieter Em Effing Laser!

Jack - Look at that dude. He’s wearing the face of someone else.

Aaron – He looks like every 50 year old you see at a Goth Club.

Jack – All two of them.

Aaron – All he needs is a poet shirt and eyeliner.

Jack – Look how much face he has. He looks like a Geiger test sketch. I think WETA created Dieter Laser. Did a great job too!

Aaron – He looks like a Harryhausen monster.

Jack – Remember on the show “Angel” when he turned into a puppet?

Aaron – Okay so he has a shotgun AND a trenchcoat.

Jack – This is an Inspector Gadget prequel. Christopher Nolan took it to a really dark place.

Aaron – Inspector Gadget: The E! True Hollywood Story.

Jack – Is that a deer rifle? “The Most Dangerous Pooping Game”!

Aaron – I’ve seen a lot of pornos that start like this.

Jack – Scheisse! They bought some wooden shoes? Oh, wooden shoes! Holland. I get it.

Aaron – I got some wooden shoes for you.

Jack – I don’t know what that means. Do you know what that means?

Aaron - It means I have some shoes made of wood.

Jack – Oh.

Aaron – I’m still waiting on the graphic nudity. Is it bad to say early on that I don’t care about either of these girls?

Jack – Not at all.

Aaron – I’m really rooting for them to just go and get to the ATM already.

Jack – I’m hoping that when they get to the ATM and get sewn together, that they put the girl with the giant crystal necklace in the middle. Then when they’re tromping around, her necklace will just sort of bop up and hit the dude in the front in the balls a little bit. Just to kinda let him know she’s there, and then he gets a little extra somethin somethin.

Aaron – That’s probably a fetish that already exists.

Jack – You know, “a little bling for your thing” as they say.

Aaron - You need to put that on a bumper sticker.

Jack - The crystal will just kinda slap him in the junkular area.

Aaron – Junkular? So the crystals will hit him in the jewels!

Jack – I don’t get it.

Aaron – Because people call a man’s junkular area “jewels”.

Jack – Nope. Still don’t get it.

Jack – I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest these actresses will do a better job acting when they both have mouths full of ass.

Aaron – I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s a great outfit to wear to the club they’re going to, Club Bunker!

Jack – Yes! Bunker, the Late 80’s & Early 90’s Soccer Mom-Themed Hip Hop and Adult Contemporary Dance Club!

Aaron – Maybe they play Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga at Bunker.

Jack – Perhaps. We call that Baga.

Aaron – Jady Baga! Sounds like a German performance artist.

Jack – THE Jady Baga. You know, this movie has some serious porn sounds. If I was your neighbor, I’d be quite excited about what Aaron’s watching right now.

Aaron – I warned my neighbor, “If you hear moans, screams, or puking…I’m sorry”

Jack – All aboard The Centipede, ladies!

Jack - Okay, who’s this guy now? Is it Dieter? I already miss him.

Aaron - No, it’s Jerry Lewis! He’s huge in Europe!

Jack – “Yes, hi, Mr. Lewis, we’re whores. What’s the German word for whore? Schloppy vugens?”

Aaron – I need to write down German Jerry Lewis’ pick up lines immediately. These will definitely work for me at Bunker!

Jack – My Super Sweet 16 People Sewed To My Rectum

Aaron – This is a lovely game of butt tourettes we’re playing.

Jack – I genuinely thought the days of making characters in horror movies just to get killed was over. Am I naïve?

Aaron – You know what I like? Everything that comes out of their mouths is exposition.

Jack – Yep. You know what’s going to be better? When everything coming out of their mouths is, “MMMMRRRRPPPPHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!”

Aaron – Dieter Laser’s back!

Jack – It sounds like a vehicle doesn’t it?

Aaron – The new stylish and sleek 2010 Dieter Laser.

Jack – The ’09 was good, but the ’10 is pretty damn amazing.

Aaron – They get 90 miles to the gallon and you control it with your mind.

Jack – You must, however, buy three at a time. It’s like The Dodge Caravan but way more literal in that it comes as an actual caravan.

Aaron – Like a covered wagon train in the 1800s.

Jack – My beloved dog, I knew that.

Aaron – I’m Jewish. I don’t read German.

Jack -You have a vendetta against this movie. You’re coming in wrong on this one.

Aaron – Well if he has no drains in his shower, we’ll know.

Jack – It’s Dieter Laser time!

Aaron – Enter Dieter Laser and his German Boner.

Jack – How psyched is he right now? “Dear Penthouse, I can’t believe it happened to me.”

Aaron – More like, “Deyuh Peyunthaus”.

Jack – Dear Pentulshuggenkragen.

Aaron – Udo Kier would’ve been alright.

Jack – F*ck Udo Kier! They had Udo Kier’s name on a piece of paper and Dieter Laser’s name was also on that paper and his name came down and smashed Udo Kier’s name like the giant animated foot in Monty Python. Just BAM and it said “Dieter Goddamn Laser!”

Aaron – Not even interviewing the guy… he’s hired!

Jack –Would you interview Dieter Laser?

Aaron – I’m Jewish. Would I be in the same room with Deter Laser? No. No I would not. My ancestors would be weeping in their graves.

Jack – What’s worse than Nazis? Nazis with f*ckin’ lasers, that’s what.

Aaron – Wait, he slipped her a roofie? This is a highly respected doctor and all he had to drug the girl with was a frickin roofie?

Jack – Doctor Feelgood, as it were. Wait, Germans can have British teeth?

Aaron – It’s all that meth.

Jack – Fun fact, Dieter Laser’s head is made entirely of Sculpey.

Aaron – That is a fun fact.

Jack – It takes six hours every day to make his head.

Aaron – He looks comfortable. That’s a nice looking robe.

Jack - It’s Sunday at The Centipede Lab.

Aaron – Dieter Laser, he’s like the German Fonzie.

Jack – This movie is kinda like LADY AND THE TRAMP if you think about it.

Aaron – I do want spaghetti. Except there are no dogs, it’s not animated, and Disney is definitely not involved.

Jack – You don’t know that.

Aaron – I don’t.

Aaron – Do you think once they’re all sewn together, that when the first person is fed it comes out the last person a diamond?

Jack – Only if the last girl is Superman.

Aaron – At least he had a comfortable Posturpedic in his basement for them

Jack – I’m guessing that girl’s a 6 on the Sealy chart. I’m a 4, but she probably needs a little more support in her lower lumbar, so I’d say she’s a 6.

Aaron – There are websites out there that specialize in this kind of “girl strapped to a hospital bed crying hysterically” porn. Wait, he’s going to cut out their teeth?!

Jack – So you can’t masticate.

Aaron – But you can masturbate still. You know what I’m saying?

Jack – And you can help out your buddy. Sometimes bling for your thing isn’t enough.

Aaron – The Dingleberry Dancearound.

Jack – I think that was a failed monster cereal. There was Count Chocula. Frankenberry..

Aaron – The Buttnugget Boogie.

Jack – Booberry. Fruit Brute.

Aaron – I bet Jenny and Lindsay are pretty sad they didn’t call Triple A.

Jack - This whole movie is a commercial for The Auto Club and its benefits.

Aaron - The Fecal Flop N’ Jig

Jack – That’s on Melrose, isn’t it? They have really good pie there.

Aaron – Delicious pie and sensible shoes.

Jack – If George Takei was German, he’d be Dieter Laser.

Aaron – Dieter Laser is one of the founding members of Kraftwerk.

Jack – He is ALL of Kraftwerk. Like the Voltron Lions.

Aaron – Dieter Laser is The Kraftwerk Centipede.

Jack – If all of Kraftwerk merged into one great robot, it would be Dieter Laser.

Aaron – That’s why he’s so damned tall!

Jack – Oh that painting! Symbolism!

Aaron – If this were a Rorschach test, I’d say Mom every time.

Jack – That makes a lot of sense.

Aaron – This was KFC’s first draft for advertising the Double Down.

Jack – It would have worked on me! That painting has me famished.

Aaron - I call that painting "Siamese Vagina Chicken Babies In Summer"

Jack – Aaron, with the equipment he has on them and the way they are positioned, I pose this question: “How is this different from roller derby?” Answer the question!

Aaron – Skates.

Jack – So hypothetically, if I Photoshopped skates onto their feet, you would not know this was THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. You would just think they were getting ready to crack the whip and fight the “Houston Hotties”.

Aaron – I like how they put the hottest girl as the caboose of this train. She’s got a bit of a caboose. Know what I’m saying? I’d like to play in her back yard.

Jack – Well, I hope you like company!

Aaron – The girl in the back just needs to stand up and give the biggest piggy back ride ever.

Jack – All of their arms work. Their hands, digits, everything but their knees work.

Aaron – So you’re saying they’re having sexual relations in the other room?

Jack – I am saying they can all bear arms and be a centipede of axes!

Aaron – That one girl just keeps crying.

Jack – The name of the sequel: Human Centipede 2 – Tears On My Butthole.

At this point, the audio becomes impossible to transcribe. Jack appears to have sat on the remote control and stopped the film. The following clip details the next minute of Jack and Aaron drunkenly attempting to start the movie again.

Following this, the audio again becomes garbled as the film reaches its climax, and Jack and Aaron become more inebriated and belligerent.

***WARNING*** SPOILER OF THE FILM’S ENDING AHEAD!

Jack – So the cops are coming, what’s the Doctor going to- OH YES! Pinkies out, bitches! That’s how you scalpel fight in Fancy Town!

Aaron – Annnnnnd now the cops are back. And there’s blood EVERYWHERE.

Jack – “Can I help you?”

Aaron – “I was, uh, painting the nursery red.”

Jack – “I was just making some salsa for you officers. Hope you brought chips!”

Aaron – “I brew ketchup downstairs?”

Jack – It’s time for the self-destruct button, Dieter. If you’re a mad doctor tampering in God’s domain and you don’t have a self-destruct button, you’re bush league and you deserve to get caught.

For the next ten minutes, the audio content is reduced to two men screaming “No, don’t go in there!” and various slurred expletives. The film ends.

Jack – I must admit. That was an even more horrific ending than I expected.

Aaron – And she’s dead.

Jack – You are now sewn to two dead people. Next?

Aaron – Like a burger between two dead buns.

Jack – Aaron, yesterday I was cleaning out my wallet and I found a punch card from a crepe place on Sawtelle Avenue. I realized that place is no longer open and I was only two punches away from getting a free crepe. That really bummed me out.

Aaron – You know what would bum me out even more?

Jack – Hm?

Aaron – If you had your mouth sewn to some guy’s ass, who’s dead, and then had your ass sewn to your best friend’s mouth who is also dead.

Jack – Slightly worse than the crepe thing, you’re right.

Aaron – Perspective, man.

Nine hours later, the morning after overview. The HangOverview, if you will:

Jack – I had the weirdest dream last night. And by weird, I mean that I won’t be able to maintain an erection again until the year 2016.

Aaron – And here I thought the Mayans were warning us the end of the world was coming in 2012. At least you’ll have a boner in purgatory, Jack.

Jack – I’ll say this for the film: At the end there, you and I totally forgot we were here to make comments for the readers and were instead yelling at the screen. Isn’t that what a good horror film is supposed to do?

Aaron –I suppose you’re right, Jack. Plus, without the epic genius that is Dieter Laser, this movie would have completely failed. Good or bad, it definitely did invoke a response.

Jack – Well, I’ll say it was certainly watchable, even if I was watching it through my fingers while screaming into my own hand. I’d also like to say I hate poop and poop jokes in movies (in other words, I don’t own a lot of Kevin Smith films) but I somehow got through this one. Plus, I made more drunken poop and ass jokes than I thought humanly possible. I think I’m growing as a journalist, Aaron. Thank you, HUMAN CENTIPEDE!

Aaron – I believe you can up the ante on your drunken poop joke quota, Jack. I can’t say I’d have enjoyed the movie sober. Hell, I’m not sure this can be described as an enjoyable movie. But if shocking imagery is your thing and a medically accurate yet ridiculous concept gets you going, then THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is the movie for you!

Jack – Now let us never speak of this again.

Aaron – Yes, please.

Read more over at iconsoffright.com